I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
