Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
