textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
