I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
