just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
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We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
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I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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