Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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