i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
