smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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