it's too hot outside to masturbate.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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