First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
