Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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