I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
