I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
