Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
