I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
whose parrot is this?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
