oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
