Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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