I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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