loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
