I wish my penis had an off switch
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
