Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
