We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
