I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
