Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
not ubering you a puppy
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
