took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
