Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
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No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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