ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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