this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
