he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
