im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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