sarcasm needs its own font
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
