you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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