i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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