My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
