remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
