I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
