when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i wish my penis had a tongue
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
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