is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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