Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
