He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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