Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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