so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
