Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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