i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
