After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
