This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
