and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
