there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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