: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The feeling are messing with the penis
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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