thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
