not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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