I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
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This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
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It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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