They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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